Women love to throw around the fact that they can bear children. But you know what they can’t do? Grow facial hair. With the exception of a select few women in remote parts of Slovakia and the deep American south, facial hair is a staple of manliness. From Joseph Stalin to Tom Selleck to Freddie Mercury, and even playoff Joe “Elite” Flacco, the mustache is a must. Maybe that’s where the name comes from, who knows. But this article isn’t about those fine gents, it’s about the mustaches that protect and serve this country. That’s right, firemen.
These guys are the heart and soul of this great nation, the real meat and potatoes of the workforce. Their strength and bravery comes from that thick, flavor savor above their lips. It’s what gives them courage to run into burning buildings and save cats from trees. Without those big bushy mustaches, I firmly believe that this country would be a pile of ash. On top of unmatched heroism, the fireman ‘stache is synonymous with trust. I just know that every word that passes through those long whiskers is the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
While there are many ways to style a man’s facial hair, a special thank you goes out to firemen for keeping it simple. So next time you get the chance to drop a dollar in the big rubber boot, make it happen, those miniature combs aren’t free.
Tune in next time when we discuss the average annual income for men with hipster mustaches.
- Weekend Warrior
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