Power Rankings: Cardinal Directions

We all know what a compass is, and we should all know how it works. If you don’t, you may want to look it up before reading this so you don’t continue to live your life with a below average understanding of the world around you. In fact, you may want to read up on geography too, cause this article is gonna be filled with lots of science terms. Anyway, I’m here to rank the cardinal directions. Lets do this.

4. West: So the Earth spins on its axis as it travels around the sun. Boom, science. This means that everyone living in the West is in the past, like seriously get with the program. Great example, Fergie on New Year’s Eve. The rest of the world is all excited to reign in the new year, and we count down, and we watch the ball drop, and if you aren’t a loser you get a midnight kiss too. Well hours after all this happens, Fergie decides it’s time for her and the rest of her lazy ass West to celebrate. You missed the boat, sorry lady. Keeping with the idea that the West is lazy, they oversleep for everything. Prime example, Pearl Harbor. It’s called an alarm clock, get one would ya.

3. East: Yeah sure, there is sand as far as the eye can see and then some. Oh, and people are dropping bombs left and right too. But, the East is semi cool. If you travel at around 700 mph, you will never run out of sunlight, you know cause of that whole spinning earth thing. Plus the East has sunrises. If you’ve never woken up for one, then you’re probably a generally well rested person. However, if you do find yourself up that early, all those reds and oranges are pretty cool.

2. North: Let’s face it, the North is pretty awesome: The Northern Lights, Santa, snow, and hell even a star that if followed, will somehow always lead you home. All of these are great but the North is still a hoax. Lets start with Canada, where people literally compete to see who can be nicer. While this seems great on paper, people end up getting into fistfights over who gets to hold the door open longer at Tim Horton’s. Next, Siberia. The Russians actually exile people there to freeze to death, like Moscow isn’t cold enough. It actually gets down to near -90 °F (or -68 °C if you’re a Siberian local). But the real kicker is moss, the stuff that grows on the side of trees. For generations, pioneers have relied on the fact that moss only grows on the North side of trees, well newsflash, that’s false. Moss is single-handedly responsible for every life lost due to misdirection of any kind.

1. South: If you’ve been keeping up, you should have deduced that this was the only option left. But if you didn’t know that, you clearly didn’t take my suggestion about doing some reading up on very basic everyday knowledge, so I don’t even feel bad for you. Anyway, the South has it all. Fried chicken and mac and cheese, a staple of southern culture that will go toe to toe with all other foods any day of the week. And if you go even further south, they’ve got tacos. (But if you prefer hardshell over softshell you suck.) Oh and if you like drugs, boy have I got news for you. Drug lords basically rule the south cause cocaine can buy almost any vote. And last, the South has animals that could tear your friggin face off. Australia is not for the faint of heart, in fact, I’m pretty sure the people that live there are the toughest in the world. They literally eat a casual breakfast with rattlesnakes and crocodiles just chillin on the kitchen floor then hop on their kangaroos and go to work.

So for all of you out there that lay awake at night losing sleep over which cardinal direction is best, I hope this helps you get some shuteye.

- Weekend Warrior