This series will be a weekly, indisputable ranking of anything and everything. In this installment we will be taking a hard look at…. silverware.
5. Chopsticks
Look, I know chopsticks aren’t silverware but I need at least a top 5. So give me fucking break. There is literally one food that chopsticks are an acceptable way to attack the task at hand. Sushi. Anything else and it’s a goddamn bloodbath. Actually I do respect people that eat rice with those things. Shit is impressive.
4. Sporks
On paper, the spork could go toe to toe with anyone in the game. It just doesn’t live up to the hype. If you think about it, and I mean really think about it, have you had a good experience with a spork? The one glaring exception to this is mac n’ cheese. They are built for that shit. Need more options to be a real contender in the future.
3. Spoons
This spot is where the real heavy hitters start to fall into the culinary landscape. The spoon is great. Soup, cereal, desserts are made possible by the spoon. It’s spot outside the top two is more a reflection on who’s ahead than it is upon spoons themselves.
2. Knives
One word for you, meat. Without knives meat would be an item that would bring the world to the ground. This is a long one so bear with me. If you were out on a first date and your date just picked up her steak with a fork and starting gnawing on that sucker one bite after another, after another, after another…. There is a zero percent chance she gets a second date. Hence no one dates, no one marries, and no one has kids. Knives literally put children on the map. But bring her back for one night. A woman that can work her meat like that is special, if ya know ya know.
1. Forks
To hold the top spot for very long you gotta be able win in different ways and show up every week. The fork does just that. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner it comes through. Food would just be another chore without it, and god knows there’s enough shit we gotta do everyday. Life is about enjoying shit and the fork allows us to just that.
Don’t forget, these are indisputable rankings, don’t try any funny business in the comments. I would like to see some suggestions for next week though.
-CBCSkipper
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