I have to be crystal clear. This is not an article detailing how I plan to launch a podcast by illegal means. Because I do not plan to do that. I am a law abiding citizen 5 days of the week. Today just so happens to be one of those five days.
As many of you know, there have been rumors that CBC will be launching a podcast in the near future. As with any business venture, there are many steps to launching a profitable podcast. We have steadily been making progress but have run into an issue. No one knows about us. And frankly we don’t have the capital to start a conventional promotion campaign, so we were forced to explore other options.
After much deliberation, we came to the conclusion that we need to make ourselves… for lack of a better term cause this one sucks… go viral, and the other executives at CBC entrusted me with the task of making this happen. I believe all of our supporters are entitled to a description of this plan, and that’s what you’re getting today.
When I think of the word viral, the first thing that pops into my head is the universe of twitter. So twitter is where we make this campaign to go viral. The thing is, we can’t just firing off tweets to the 6 followers we’d have and expect to become famous overnight, we need something big. That brings us to the first stage of our operation.
One of the biggest twitter events of the year is The Masters. People who don’t watch golf, watch The Masters. One of the most private places in the world is broadcast for all of the world to see, and the world tunes in. Without confirming any any figures, I would say that about a trillion people tweeted about the 2018 masters totaling 100 trillion tweets. Roughly. So I’m gonna make a splash at The Masters.
The problem is nobody is gonna give a shit about a college kid at a golf tournament if he doesn’t do anything special, and the thing is quite hard to get tickets to. So I decided the perfect way to make a splash without becoming public enemy number one, by like fucking with a player or some shit, is to get myself on the grounds of one of the most secure venues in sport. The entire perimeter is secure and making a fake ticket is well beyond my capabilities, so the only option I see is the sky.
Now I can’t just parachute down in the middle of a round. I’m fairly certain Augusta works out a deal with the FFA that puts a large restricted airspace over the property during of the tournament. If they don’t want animals on the property, (that’s a whole wormhole that we are not getting into) then they sure as hell don’t want planes or anything else flying over head making noise. So the cover of night is clearly required. During Masters week this year, the moon will be waxing throughout the course of the tournament. So to avoid detection, I’m thinking this has to happen earlier than the weekend. The operation date is currently TBD. Now about getting around the airspace thing, assuming it is still active at night, is the tricky part. Planes and helicopters are loud and very hard targets, those are out. But thankfully the ultimate aerial covert operations craft seems to fit the bill for this one. The hot air balloon. If I can cover the flame is some way, I will be undetectable from the ground and from there it is simply a matter of landing somewhere on the premises that is not on the course or lit up by workers. Or I could just parachute in, game time decision I figure. The hard part is over.
From there, my accomplice just takes off and leaves me, I avoid detection until the crowd shows up then I become just another patreon. But one thing is missing, proof. If someone told you they did this, you’d tell them kick rocks. So I need some kind of video evidence. Live stream is out for obvious reasons. So I’m thinking I record my operation some kind of covert camera, as they are not allowed at Augusta National. The model to be used is be strictly classified, again for obvious reasons. At the end of the day I exit through the front gate with the rest of the crowd and post the entire thing online. Get a link on twitter and then sit back and wait.
Clearly this is gonna get a lot of attention on twitter, again for obvious reasons. Once I go what the kids call “viral” it’s likely I’m going to gain a lot of followers in the process. Now this is crucial, the video that gets posted online is going to just be enough to prove what happened but not the complete story. So you guessed it, the first episode of the podcast will detail the entire story, which guarantees a large pool of listeners. We make a great episode and then some people come back and listen to the second. And that, my friends, is the breakdown of how we will be launching our podcast.
Oh wait nevermind, this is not that at all. Like I stated before I would not launch a podcast illegally*. Our lawyer got arrested for 1st degree criminal trespassing last April in Georgia and we don’t have the cash to bail him out. So we can’t risk this, for obvious reasons.
*Technically only illegal if you get caught. Augusta National, consider this your notice. Good luck. I’ll see you in April.
P.S. If anyone has got some name ideas for this podcast have your hot female family members contact me at commonbutconcrete@gmail.com. Or on tinder. I’m a gentleman so their choice.
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